my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm always down for nudity.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
