Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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