Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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