Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
