She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.