I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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