i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
