If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
