sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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