didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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