I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
