i already hear my dad disowning me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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