you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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