I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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