Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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