you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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