i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
