Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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