It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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