she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize