By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
