My hand turned me down
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
