my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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