There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
