Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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