im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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