I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
