im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
