Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
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in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What drink are we having for lunch?
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf