I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
