I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
whose parrot is this?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
