Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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