mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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