my phone needs a breathalizer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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