her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
