god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You pole danced in your parka.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
