I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
