he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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