so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i dont even know how to be here
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
