Will you blow on my dice?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
