Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
