your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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