I murdered the dance floor call the cops
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
