I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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