He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
