dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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