I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
