im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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