Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
