i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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