so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
