Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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