You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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