yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
