Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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