There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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