You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
